So happy for my best friend!!

We went shopping for her wedding dress today! She and I have been friends for 30 years... more years than some of you have lived!

Congratulations Melissa & Gary!

I love you!!

A pic from her shower, later:

Magnetic Poetry! Poetry.com

You Complete Me 

Friends, relationships.....

You touched my life... and were gone again.

joe
earl
kevin
ben
chris
scott
albie
mike
jeff
scott
ej
brian
danny
brian x3
scott
johnny
nick
tommy
johnny
brad
dave
eric
patrick
ken
josh
jim
tim
jeff
larry
kenny
kaycie
krispin
doug 
daniel
greg
art
mark
peter
patrick
ali
sam
larry
giovanni
joey
david
billy
anthony 
richard 
dominic
peter 
david
marco
edgar
steve x4
shawn
rebecca 
nina
brian 
stacy
dave

To all of my dear friends and relatives... She fell.

To all of my dear friends and relatives,

You know which list you are on... and I love you all. Last Friday, I was notified that my mother, Peggy, had passed away. While this is never good news, and there can never be a ‘best’ time to learn of this, the manner and delivery of both were shocking and tragic. I know many of you either have no idea of the nature of our relationship (my mother’s and I), but many of you know exactly the type of relationship we had; somewhat estranged, eternally unpredictable…..

She fell.


For my mother, this could represent much more than this last physical act of falling from a second-floor balcony (I won’t get into the bad stuff; I was always taught not to say anything at all if you couldn’t say anything nice). My mom was hopelessly nostalgic, intrinsically competitive; and I have to remember her as the ultimate vision of herself. She was creative - string arts, sewing, a culinary wiz, a baking fiend (I’m still trying to get her peanut butter cookies perfected). She could be selfless at times – she worked with the Los Angeles Community Action Network (LACAN) to feed, clothe, and house the homeless. She worked with the Culver City Community Center helping Senior citizens with their activities.

As to the nostalgia, maybe my mom was hoping for that simpler time in the 50’s and 60s. Maybe she just liked all the happy memories. As a child, I remember painting ceramic ornaments with our Aunt Verna, her twin sister. Going to auctions, shopping, staying up late talking…. More recently – laughing hysterically at trying to teach me how to crochet (she taught me wrong! I have video proof!).

We all have problems, issues - things we don’t want to deal with. Death is #1 on that list for most (well maybe next to public speaking – to me, this letter almost qualifies as that – I don’t usually burden others with my emotional tribulations). If nothing else, people…. I know it’s uncomfortable, looking your mortality in the face and moving forward anyway, but especially if you have a family to leave behind – make a living trust, write out your will – let someone know exactly what you want to happen. If I had not had that conversation with my mother, I may not have done what she wanted. She was only 64. I didn’t expect to have to deal with the death of one of my parents for 15 years or so. (The men and women on both sides of the family ranged in age from 64 to 100 at the time of their death; I was hoping for the latter end of that range, I guess.)

May you all have started your new year out

…on a much more pleasant note,

Kari

P.S.
If you want to contact me, I am easiest to get via email, or you can contact me on my portable/home number (if you have it - edited for public posting)

Letters Unsent

Dear Joe,
I liked you a lot. What we thought was real was only puppy love. Then we both expanded our worlds. I heard you were getting married the other day and spending the rest of your life with someone else. I just want to let you know that I hope you’re happy.

Dear Kevin,
We learned so much. We were immature when we met and bonded our lives together. I was so afraid of life I put the burden upon your shoulders, from the bottom of my heart; I’m sorry for that. Even though you treated me poorly, you were the only one who loved me for who I am and didn’t have expectations. You never once regretted loving me, but it just scared you away.

Dear Ben,
We cared so deeply it surprised me in the end. What you said to others did not justify how you treated me. Why couldn’t you talk to me? I always listened. But it was always silent, and I had to go. It was too cold.

Dear Fred,
I like you muchly. I was vulnerable and I saw the light shining from within your heart. I didn’t know how to show you how much you meant to me. If you could grant me one request, don’t forget me. Or our joint-custody dog Siggy.

Dear Shawn,
I cared too much. As a teenager, I would’ve sold my soul for a boy like you. But I’m afraid I don’t have that in me anymore. Everything in your life was dark and cold. I thought I could be the one to change that. You tried to be deep with your philosophies on life, but failed miserably. Please be careful, not everyone can take your depression like I can.

Dear Edgar,
For you it was all for fun, and that – we had. I just needed more than you could give me. You said you needed time. You said you needed space. You said you couldn’t be tied down right now. I saw you the other day with your new girlfriend. She’s pretty; seems sweet.

Dear Dave,
You showed me what it was to truly love someone. I wish that was all I needed. I made decisions for us; you made them for yourself. I am tired of that escalator ride, it broke. and I don't know how to repair it. Everything before you was just practice for the real thing. I can’t wait for the future and what I am sure it brings us; our lives together. I love that you listen, and truly hear what I have to say. My heart grows with every act of love and thoughtfulness you commit.

Feeling

Dreaming; I’m not sleeping
Have I died,
Or been brought to life?

Swimming; as I’m sinking
I’m holding on to you,
Letting go.

Naked; I like you naked
And when I fake it,
You like me more.

Exploring; The taste I’m touching
You’re watching me,
I’m watching you.

How does it feel?
Making love to me like you do.
How would it feel?
To make love to you the way I do.

Tell me; who would you be?
Would you be me?
The woman in me?

I want; I want to know
What you’re feeling
I want to crawl under your skin
I want to know how you feel in me.
Your touch
Your feeling

Original Inkblot Test

Friday, June 3, 2005

Reveal Your Subconscious Mind:

Kari, your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace


You have a deeply-rooted desire to make peace in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with loved ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to be able to influence the world in a positive way.

You have a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it, and you inspire others to feel the same way. Your innate drive toward peace guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.

Fun: Application For A Night Out With The Guys!

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GUYS

Name of Husband / Signifigant Other: ____________________
RE: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:
Date: _____________________
Time of departure: _____________________
Time of return NOT to exceed: _____________

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.

Amount of alcohol allowed (units):
Beer: _____
Wine: _____
Liquor: _____
Total: ______

Locations to be visited: _______________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
Location: ______________________________
Start: ________
End: _____________

Location: ______________________________
Start: ________
End: _____________

Location: ______________________________
Start: ________
End: _____________

Location: ______________________________
Start: ________
End: _____________

Females with whom conversation is permitted:
Name: ______________________________________
Reason: ____________________________________

IMPORTANT CHEATING CLAUSE:

Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from instigating or persuing any activity in any form with another individual other than the that which is granting me permission with this contract. Violation of this Cheating Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship and fortfieture of all personal rights and possessions.
I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you to the concert/play/event of your choice, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.

Signed - Husband / Signifigant Other: _________________________________



Request is (circle one): APPROVED DENIED



This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.

Permission for my husband/signifigant other to be away for the following period of time:
Date: ____________________
Time of departure: ______________________
Time of return: _____________

Signed Wife / Signifigant Other: __________________________________________

Finally

Oh how long I have waited
For this moment to arrive.
You walk up
And kiss me;
The world disappears.

Many years of experiences,
Many like this.
They did not prepare me for
Reacting like
It was my first kiss.

I swoon.
You hold me.
And finally,
I am complete.

I love you!!

Fiction or Non-Fiction? Well, entertaining anyway....

I have always been a little more open sexually than your traditionally brought up folks, yet due to societal mores or what have you I have been lax at experimenting with too much. My sexual preference is with men, however, I find sexual feelings and intensity a turn on, with whoever you may be experiencing them with. In other words, as I always say, in the heat of the moment anything goes!

Suffice it to say, other than a couple of drunken evenings where I questioned (however didn’t really care) who exactly was kissing my back here and there…….. I have never been with a woman. I have had dreams involving same sex instances, and I can openly appreciate women’s beauty, however I am more apt to want to play with a man than a woman.

I have a friend, ‘Vanessa’, that I met at college who I have had some interesting evenings with, including one of the drunken ones mentioned above. There were instances here and there involving nudity, but they never amounted to much. She and I just shared advice and discussion on a lot of topics. See, I pretty much raised myself given little to no supervision from when my parents divorced when I was six, and she was raised as the oldest of six in a Mexican-Catholic family (cross yourself now, genuflect, genuflect…).

Vanessa and I have been friends for a few years now, and have discussed everything from tampons (she had never used them, I showed her how) to men and their inevitable return, when they push you away that final time and you leave them (...shared tears over that).

When she invited me to a major concert here in sunny California with a couple friends of her family’s, I never expected a day like we had. I drove to her house to await her friend ‘Dave’ who arrived late (as per usual) but the day was a laid-back day and we were all in a good mood. Dave said we were driving to his friend’s house to pick him up, and then we were leaving to the concert. So as not go into a lot of boring details, we pick up ‘Chris’ and a cooler of beer, some 100-proof whiskey and Seven-Up, and head out.

Well, Vanessa was quick to tell Dave in the parking lot that what happened at the concert STAYED at the concert, and only then when he agreed, did she let down her guard. It was a hot day, sweltering…. Vanessa and I both were wearing spaghetti strap tank tops. Vanessa is a safe 34C and I am 38D. The boys were happy when we started playing with ice cubes, melting them on ourselves and each other. Melting them on the boys (digital pictures are floating around SOMEWHERE ;-)….). We drink all the alcohol before we go into the concert, joking and playing in the parking lot, and very promptly lose Dave in a mosh pit upon getting inside.

Here we are, hanging out with Chris, who we had just met, and feeling happy (and horny) from all the touchy-feely in the parking lot. Why not? We are all single, and out to have a good time at an awesome concert. The vendors were all happy to keep us supplied in ice. I am very light-skinned and had a straw hat and some bandanas we kept filling up with ice. For hours, we sat on the lawn listening to music and stroking each other with ice cubes, me stroking Vanessa, she stroking me; Chris joining in with both of us, both of us stroking him. It was all very sensual, and exciting.

A little background is needed here. I am a very sexually active person… even though I was single, I date a lot and have a few ‘friends’ that help me out in the sexual arena. Vanessa is 27, moved back home to save money while she finished college, and shares a room with a sister. Needless to say, there is not much opportunity for her to “self-stimulate” and since she has been single for a long while, it has been 4 years since the last time she had sex! Oh my!! The running joke among our friends is that it has been my goal to get her laid this year!!!

Now Back to Saturday at the Concert…..

Here we are, having been teasing each other with ice cubes all afternoon… drunk on whiskey and sun…. Chris is kissing us both, she kisses him back…. I am thinking “Hey, maybe she will hook up with him…” When all-of-a-sudden, Vanessa leans over and kisses ME! Not a chaste ‘thanks-for-being-my-friend-going-with-me-to-this-concert’ kiss but a ‘I-am-so-horny-hot-and-bothered’ kiss! This is the first time I have ever done that… and here we are at a concert in front of hundreds of people. Chris was in heaven, saying things like “You girls are amazing!” And he didn’t believe us when we had said we had never done that before, with each other or anyone else!

Opposites Attract

want to see you
naked
across the room

dancing to flames
tingling ablaze
hotter than kindling

silhouetted against
the wall

your shadow
in rhythm

imagine
your golden sheen
searing scented flesh

hear your voice
trumpeting
an idea

the past
is forgotten

opposites
still attract

nothing is so futile
as when love
is held back

Private Thoughts

Remembering you
naked
joined to my half-covered self

bodies cooling
from the fire
chaos swimming in minds

skin tingling
yearning, burning
from the slightest touch

hearts beating
in a rhythm
called unison

sweat glistening
sheening, maybe
even blending

the future
could be seen

do opposites
still attract?

Nothing is more lonesome
than shadowed light
remembering

What do you want out of life?

What do you want for yourself? For others? From others? All my life I think I have tried to be the best friend I can be to people: I help out when I can, I try to be considerate of others. In the end though, what is it all for? Men, women... are we really meant to pair off, be a partnership, work together? Is there someone for everyone? And if so, do you think that maybe there is some unreal percentage of people who are blissfully head-over-heels in love with someone, like 1% or .5% really, and the rest all compromise? You make the best life with the one you choose, so choose well? I dunno, all I know is... I haven't found that for myself yet, and don't know if I ever will. I don't like compromising. :)

I Wish That I Could Tell You

Unkown things
That I don’t know.
I wish that I could tell you.
The words that I would say,
Sound as empty as the way you feel inside.
But the silence in between,
Tells me everything that you deny.
I don’t know how to help you,
I wish that I could tell you,
How to tell me good-bye.

I don’t know how you leave
It all behind.
I wish that I could tell you.
Is it true a heart heals
Itself with time?
I wish that I could tell you.
How do you choose?
Do you hurt them with the truth
Or with a lie?
Where do you go?
To own

I wish that I could tell you

How do you tell someone
You’re letting go?
I wish that I could tell you.
But you’re asking me things
That I don’t know.
I wish that I could tell you.
The words that I would say,
Sound as empty as the way you feel inside.
But the silence in between,
Tells me everything that you deny.
I don’t know how to help you,
I wish that I could tell you,
How to tell me good-bye.

I don’t know how you leave
It all behind.
I wish that I could tell you.
Is it true a heart heals
Itself with time?
I wish that I could tell you.
How do you choose?
Do you hurt them with the truth
Or with a lie?
Where do you go?
To find the courage you know
I could never find.
I don’t know how to help you,
I wish that I could tell you,
How to tell me good-bye.

Where do you turn?
Where do you go?
When you’ve finally reached
The end of the road.
How do you say it?
I just don’t know.
When it comes to leaving,
You’re on your own.
I don’t know how to help you,
I wish that I could tell you,
How to tell me
Good-bye.

Lost Trust

Stop knocking at my door
There is nothing left for you here

Stop knocking at my door
The lock has remained chained
The door has been sealed

Stop knocking at my door
There is nothing for you here
Just a scorned soul

Stop knocking at my door
I tell you there is no one
In this wretched place

There is nothing for you here
There is nothing but a
A broken light

So stop knocking at my door

Stop knocking at my door
The lock has remained chained
The door has been sealed

Stop knocking at my door
There is nothing for you here
Just a scorned soul

Stop knocking at my door
I tell you there is no one
In this wretched place

There is nothing for you here
There is nothing but a
A broken light

So stop knocking at my door

Trivial

There aren’t any lights on in the house
every room is caved in black
A darkness that seeps into my skin.
And I’m focusing on the computer monitor glowing
bright light coming from the screen.
So I pretend that I don’t care and rub my unwashed hair
and give that thousand-yard stare.
Remembering prayers chanted throwing pennies in that well;
Before I became trivial.

Finding out about my faults
my precious man took a bow and walked.
Saying he couldn’t be a one-woman man.
I clenched and unclenched my fists
forcing those words away from my lips.
“You can go to Hell!”
Now that I am trivial.

Don’t you realize that I fight.
Every morning and every night.
To keep this smile plastered to my mouth.
Wishing I was fooling everyone
Yet hoping he’ll see the sun
and come running at the sound of that bell
Shouting "I’m not trivial!"

I guess with time I will see
You’re not the hero I’d thought you’d be
all that pressure made you sick.
Blowing the hair away from my face
clears away the darkened trace of doubt in my mind.
The doubt that came the day I fell.
The day I unveiled Trivial.

Push You Down

I said, “I don’t think I’ve ever been good enough,
I’m a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in.
I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved,
By a hand that’s touched me, and I feel like something’s
Going to give... and I’m a little bit angry.”

This isn’t over, no not here, not while I still
Need you around. You don’t owe me,
We might change, we just might feel good.

I said, “I don’t know why you would ever lie to me,
Like I’m a little untrusting when I think the truth
is going to hurt you.

And I don’t know why you just couldn’t stay with me.
You couldn’t stand to be near me,
When my face didn’t seem to want to shine.
Because it’s a little bit dirty.”

Don’t just stand there, saying nice things to me.
I’ve been cheated, I’ve been wronged.
And you don’t know me, I can’t change that.
So, I won’t do anything at all.

But don’t bowl me over, just wait one minute.
It kind of fell apart, things got so crazy.
So, don’t rush this, let me enjoy my moment.

I would love to push you down, I wish I could.
I would love to push you around, maybe someday.
I would love to take you for granted, in the exact same way.

Twisted

His touch so soft
Like the velvet on my torn dress

His kiss so sweet
Like nectar of pure sugar cane

But as electrifying as an outlet
To live the dream of queen

Only for one moment
As I lie in a bed of softly scented feathers
The smell of dried rose petals
Comes over me

As his shadow creases my spirit
As I scream in ecstasy
Wanting and yearning for no end.
Can this feeling last for ever?

My eyes open, my heart grows fonder
My legs twitch

Can I say the words that are open in my heart?
Can I indulge in sentence of lust and love?
Intertwined

My breath escapes me
My limbs fall
As my eyes close and open again for
Last time

That love will never be forgotten!

Dear Dad

Dear dad, daddy, father, pop;
I don’t know what to call you anymore.
What the hell is your name anyway?

I found a Father’s day card,
made for you when I was six.
It’s messy, colored outside of the lines,
covered in gold glitter that won’t stick.

It was left in the trash
when you were cleaning house.
I didn't think that it still hurt.
I guess rivers run deep.

How you must’ve felt when you
opened the envelope that day.
Forcing yourself to be grateful
and appreciative of something so lame.

I have a lot to be forgiven for.
Certainly you got more than you bargained for.
1:15 that Summer morning,
when you saw that unsuspecting, innocent baby you agreed to nurture and protect.

I’m sorry for all the lies.
trying to tell you what you wanted to hear,
not what was the truth;
shielding you from finding out who I really was.

In The Park

I wonder what you’re doing,
In the night out there.
Is a sad summer breath,
Tangled in your hair?
Can you hear the lonely engines,
Screaming through the town?
There’s nowhere to run,
When the darkness comes down.

Is there a song inside of you,
That you tried to forget?
Like your fake I.D.,
Or your mom’s cigarettes.
Does it take you back?
Is the vision intense?
You and me in the park at night,
Trying to make some sense.

You were just seventeen,
But your laughter was mild.
You liked my dreams,
You thought I was wild.
Is there a rhythm in your step now,
That reminds you of a dance?
Do you push it all away?
Because you never took the chance.

You’d sneak out your window,
When I’d come for you.
I’d be waiting in the streetlight,
On chandler avenue.
You’d slip into my car,
We’d drive down past the fence.
You and me in the park,
Trying to make some sense.

Did you feel like you were crazy,
When they sent you far away?
Did no one have the answers,
When you hung your head to pray?
You could not let yourself dream,
Never dare believe,
You could ever be more,
Than you were born to be.

Do you lock up your house,
Like you locked up your past?
If I were to call----
Could you free me at last?
Could you slip into my car?
Could we drive down past the fence?
You and me in the park,
Trying to make some sense.