Trivial

There aren’t any lights on in the house
every room is caved in black
A darkness that seeps into my skin.
And I’m focusing on the computer monitor glowing
bright light coming from the screen.
So I pretend that I don’t care and rub my unwashed hair
and give that thousand-yard stare.
Remembering prayers chanted throwing pennies in that well;
Before I became trivial.

Finding out about my faults
my precious man took a bow and walked.
Saying he couldn’t be a one-woman man.
I clenched and unclenched my fists
forcing those words away from my lips.
“You can go to Hell!”
Now that I am trivial.

Don’t you realize that I fight.
Every morning and every night.
To keep this smile plastered to my mouth.
Wishing I was fooling everyone
Yet hoping he’ll see the sun
and come running at the sound of that bell
Shouting "I’m not trivial!"

I guess with time I will see
You’re not the hero I’d thought you’d be
all that pressure made you sick.
Blowing the hair away from my face
clears away the darkened trace of doubt in my mind.
The doubt that came the day I fell.
The day I unveiled Trivial.

The Beginning

Coolness! my very own webspot to post my thoughts. blah blah blah. ramble ramble ramble.

Journal: The Green Knight

I had a literature class. We had to journal what we were reading:

It was a typical knight’s tale including the castle, status as a favorite of the king, the beautiful wife, all followed by, of course, envy and slander.  Thus begins the story of Eliduc.  At first, the knight Eliduc garners your sympathy by being honorable, brave, and an exemplary model to follow:  Eliduc serves faithfully, is in charge of the king’s territories, and is also given royal favors because of his performance and service. After Eliduc is slandered in his native France and dismissed by the king, Eliduc voluntarily places himself in exile and travels to England to see if he can fare any better there.  Eliduc’s experiences in England almost mirror what has occurred to him up until this point in France:  invited to live in the castle, status as a favorite of the king as well, the castle, and a beautiful young girl who falls in love with him.  Similar, but let us not forget that Eliduc is already married in France and is committing adultery if he pursues it.  Women have more control, even unknowingly, over men’s lives than they realize.

In England, Eliduc encounters his first sign of trouble – the king’s young daughter, Guilliadun.  After spending some time together, the Guilliadun and Eliduc have apparently fallen head-over-heels in love together.  After they make their love known to one another, Eliduc is summonsed home to France, and Eliduc makes plans to return home, but only after making a promise to Guilliadun to return to get her on a date of her choosing. Upon returning home, Eliduc is reunited with his lawful wife, Guildeluec who has remained faithful to him.  But Guildeluec notices a behavior in Eliduc that is surly and secretive and plots to find out the reason why.

Upon Eliduc’s return to France, he spirits away the young Guilliadun by ship to England.  Upon the boat ride home there is such a storm that all the sailors believe the worst is going to happen.  One of the sailors blames the young girl, shouting that they should throw her overboard as Eliduc is defying God, and his proper wife at home by remaining with Guilliadun.  This is the first time Guilliadun learns that Eliduc is married.  In her shock at Eliduc’s marriage, and fearing

for her life because of the sailor’s threats, Guilliadun faints, and falls to the deck without breath or sign of consciousness.  Believing Guilliadun to be dead, Eliduc brings her body to a chapel in the woods to bury her.  Yet after many days, Guilliadun still appears alive with rosy cheeks, pink skin, just faintly pale.  Eliduc visits the chapel in secret every day, but his wife Guildeluec has him followed to discover once and for all why he is so miserable.  The queen journeys to the chapel herself, and upon finding the young girl in repose, and being pretty sharp herself, she knows that the young girl Guilliadun is her husband’s mistress and the reason for his unhappiness and grief. 

In a magical moment of watching a weasel resurrect its dead mate with a mysterious life-giving flower, Guildeluec restores Guilliadun to consciousness and assures her of Eliduc’s love and devotion.  Upon returning to the castle and reuniting the two lovers, Guildeluec observes the overwhelming love between Guilliadun and Eliduc.  Realizing the depth of the love and the happiness in her husband, Guildeluec asks her husband to separate from her so she can become a nun and he can marry the girl whom he loves.  This is the only way that a man can ‘legally’ marry a second woman in God and the church’s view.  Guildeluec sacrifices her own lifestyle to become a nun in order for the man she married, and loves still, to be happy.  Guildeluec loved Eliduc so much that she renounced their marriage for him to marry another.  What a woman.

I may never get married.....

I had a literature class. We had to journal what we were reading:

It was a typical knight’s tale including the castle, status as a favorite of the king, the beautiful wife, all followed by, of course, envy and slander. Thus begins the story of Eliduc. At first, the knight Eliduc garners your sympathy by being honorable, brave, and an exemplary model to follow: Eliduc serves faithfully, is in charge of the king’s territories, and is also given royal favors because of his performance and service. After Eliduc is slandered in his native France and dismissed by the king, Eliduc voluntarily places himself in exile and travels to England to see if he can fare any better there. Eliduc’s experiences in England almost mirror what has occurred to him up until this point in France: invited to live in the castle, status as a favorite of the king as well, the castle, and a beautiful young girl who falls in love with him. Similar, but let us not forget that Eliduc is already married in France and is committing adultery if he pursues it. Women have more control, even unknowingly, over men’s lives than they realize.

In England, Eliduc encounters his first sign of trouble – the king’s young daughter, Guilliadun. After spending some time together, the Guilliadun and Eliduc have apparently fallen head-over-heels in love together. After they make their love known to one another, Eliduc is summonsed home to France, and Eliduc makes plans to return home, but only after making a promise to Guilliadun to return to get her on a date of her choosing. Upon returning home, Eliduc is reunited with his lawful wife, Guildeluec who has remained faithful to him. But Guildeluec notices a behavior in Eliduc that is surly and secretive and plots to find out the reason why.

Upon Eliduc’s return to France, he spirits away the young Guilliadun by ship to England. Upon the boat ride home there is such a storm that all the sailors believe the worst is going to happen. One of the sailors blames the young girl, shouting that they should throw her overboard as Eliduc is defying God, and his proper wife at home by remaining with Guilliadun. This is the first time Guilliadun learns that Eliduc is married. In her shock at Eliduc’s marriage, and fearing for her life because of the sailor’s threats, Guilliadun faints, and falls to the deck without breath or sign of consciousness. Believing Guilliadun to be dead, Eliduc brings her body to a chapel in the woods to bury her. Yet after many days, Guilliadun still appears alive with rosy cheeks, pink skin, just faintly pale. Eliduc visits the chapel in secret every day, but his wife Guildeluec has him followed to discover once and for all why he is so miserable. The queen journeys to the chapel herself, and upon finding the young girl in repose, and being pretty sharp herself, she knows that the young girl Guilliadun is her husband’s mistress and the reason for his unhappiness and grief. In a magical moment of watching a weasel resurrect its dead mate with a mysterious life-giving flower, Guildeluec restores Guilliadun to consciousness and assures her of Eliduc’s love and devotion. Upon returning to the castle and reuniting the two lovers, Guildeluec observes the overwhelming love between Guilliadun and Eliduc. Realizing the depth of the love and the happiness in her husband, Guildeluec asks her husband to separate from her so she can become a nun and he can marry the girl whom he loves. This is the only way that a man can ‘legally’ marry a second woman in God and the church’s view. Guildeluec sacrifices her own lifestyle to become a nun in order for the man she married, and loves still, to be happy. Guildeluec loved Eliduc so much that she renounced their marriage for him to marry another.

What a woman.....

Push You Down

I said, “I don’t think I’ve ever been good enough,
I’m a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in.
I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved,
By a hand that’s touched me, and I feel like something’s
Going to give... and I’m a little bit angry.”

This isn’t over, no not here, not while I still
Need you around. You don’t owe me,
We might change, we just might feel good.

I said, “I don’t know why you would ever lie to me,
Like I’m a little untrusting when I think the truth
is going to hurt you.

And I don’t know why you just couldn’t stay with me.
You couldn’t stand to be near me,
When my face didn’t seem to want to shine.
Because it’s a little bit dirty.”

Don’t just stand there, saying nice things to me.
I’ve been cheated, I’ve been wronged.
And you don’t know me, I can’t change that.
So, I won’t do anything at all.

But don’t bowl me over, just wait one minute.
It kind of fell apart, things got so crazy.
So, don’t rush this, let me enjoy my moment.

I would love to push you down, I wish I could.
I would love to push you around, maybe someday.
I would love to take you for granted, in the exact same way.

A Dream I Had

The following is a dream I had on Friday, October 04, 2002, 4:45 p.m.

I just had the weirdest dream. I took a nap after work, as is usual lately, and when I woke up I was crying. The reason I was crying is because of what happened in the dream...

I had been seated at one of those picnic style tables at an establishment very similar to a Shakey’s Pizza Parlor when I observed a woman at the refreshment counter. She appeared to be an older lady, very pretty, makeup applied beautifully, but so unused to smiling that she had wrinkle frown lines. While I watched, a sweet little boy and girl were running around, appearing to be maybe 5 or 6 years old. The lady was apparently ‘Grandma’ to the two, who had been calling out to her while running, albeit a young Grandma appearing to me to be only in her 50’s or so.

Grandma yelled at the little girl, who was not doing anything ‘bad’ per se, just being an energetic little one, and said some things along the lines of ‘You worthless thing, stop that running around,’ and more mean and nasty sayings. I stared at her; I couldn’t help myself. Her tone was not joking; she was severe, terse. She saw me looking at her and said, “What?!?” I rose, and I walked towards her. When I stood up, she saw me and started setting down her things atop the counter. The actions were clearly like someone accustomed to a physical confrontation; setting down her purse, taking her keys, papers, etcetera out of her hands – freeing her hands for whatever might transpire after that.

I kept walking towards her, all the while with her saying things like “Do you have something to say to me? What is your problem?” I stepped up to her, still having said nothing, and looking directly into her eyes I said, “Why are you doing this? You should be looking that little girl in the eyes saying things like ‘When I look at you, the sunshine that comes out of your eyes blinds me, I love you so much,’ not the mean and nasty things you’re saying now.” We both started to cry, as she said back to me, “But I don’t know how... this is all that she knows. I was like this to her mom; her mom is like that to her. What am I supposed to do?” Still crying, I said, “You have the power to break the cycle, walk over there and hug her, tell her that you love her – see where it goes from there.”

Grandma walked from me to her granddaughter who had stopped running and was sitting in the play area in a corner. Smiling, the Grandma went to the girl, went to her knees, and told her what I had told her to say; the ‘sunshine comment,’ and that she loved her. It made me so happy to see that I had made a difference in that lady’s actions towards the little girl. I left the establishment with an image of the three playing together, giggling and laughing.

I woke up crying, confused; what does it mean? A close friend believes that this was my brother and me. I lived with my brother the longest of any of my siblings, so is this an image of him? Is this an image of my mother, even though the lady appears like a grandmother to the little girl? Does this mean I am still a little girl inside and need that motherly relationship to grow? These are all just thoughts.

It does seem sort of significant to me that I had just finished reading and watching a video about Medea – a roman poem about a woman scorned by her husband who kills their two children in order to cause pain and suffering to her ex-husband. After watching the play, I said to a good friend that Medea as portrayed reminded me of my mother: tragically scheming, evil, yet highly intelligent -- intelligent enough to plot and avenge herself.

My friend was slightly taken aback, as most people are when she realized that even though we have been friends for a couple of years, and she knew that I have not really spoken to or dealt with my mother in almost 9 years, that if Medea’s actions reminded me of my mother that that has to be significantly greater than ‘just not speaking to her.’ I do not know how to better clarify this thought. I guess what I mean to say here is that I almost casually say I don’t talk to my Mom, so it makes that seem less significant to people until they glean some more details from me.

It may take a few years, but after the many different conversations that occur after a year or so between us, when people hear of an event here, a conversation there, that transpired between my mom and me, when they add it all up apparently it is unsettling to them. Never mind how unsettling it has been for me. My personal ‘favorite,’ and please note the sarcasm in this, is when my mother emailed me after the first three years had passed by to say that she had seen me getting arrested on the TV show “Cops,” and while she was sad to see me get arrested, that she was happy that of the group of 4 or 5 of us, that I was the only one who was ‘just’ drunk and not high on drugs. Now, as a parent, I would be happy that my son or daughter was not high either, but I was not then, nor have I ever been arrested. I have never done drugs, and alcohol consumption has been moderate. More importantly, however, I have never been on “Cops.”

Journal: Aeneid, Manipulation & Mortals

I had a literature class. We had to journal what we were reading:

The Aeneid begins with Aeneas and Achates arrival at Carthage, a town that is progressing before their eyes, building into a fine city. Aeneas is impressed with what he sees before him; everything being built to last a long time. Aeneas reminisces with Achates and weeps, remembering what they have already been through: Hector being dragged around Troy’s walls by Achilles, the amazon queen Penthesilea also killed by Achilles, and battle. Aeneas and Achates see their former shipmates who were lost from their sight in a storm, which makes them very happy, but remembering their cloudy mantle they repress their excitement to observe from the side some more. The former shipmates approach Queen Dido and tell her that they lost King Aeneas at sea on the way to Italy, and they believe he is dead. Queen Dido offers the men safety, and offers to send out her men to look for Aeneas. At this point, Aeneas and Achates break from the cloud of disguise, which was given them by Venus, Aeneas’ mother. All throughout the Aeneid, we see the manipulations of the gods in the characters’ lives.

Upon meeting, Aeneas compliments Queen Dido’s beauty and impresses her with his speech. She also wants to impress Aeneas and calls for a feast with much preparation. Before and during the feast, Juno and Venus both intervene and help the queen along in her feelings for Aeneas, and she starts to fall in love with him. Queen Dido is viewed as madly in love, wandering the city, thinking only of Aeneas: caressing the place where he sat, roaming places they had visited together. The queen lapses on her responsibilities to the city and its people, and the city falls to latency.

Meanwhile, Mercury seeks out Aeneas, and asks him if it is his duty to build Carthage or is his duty to his gods. Mercury tells Aeneas that he has to leave, secretly, to journey to Dis (Hades). Aeneas prepares to leave, and Dido is furious. In their discussion, Aeneas speaks as though their relationship is over. Dido tries to keep Aeneas there, but he is duty-bound to Jupiter and leaves regardless of anything Dido might say or do. After Aeneas leaves, Queen Dido tricks her sister who she has prepare a pyre to burn Aeneas’ things in attempt to bring him back to her by using ‘magic powers.’ In reality, it is Queen Dido’s own funeral pyre – she commits suicide. In Dis (Hades), Aeneas sees Dido, who rejects him even after he explains that it was not his will but the gods’ will that drove him away from her. Even in death, she spurns him, and returns to her first husband for comfort and love together in eternity.

All along we see Aeneas and Dido getting shoved one way or another by the machinations of the scheming gods and goddesses. In the end, Dido dies in a tragic manner by killing herself. When Aeneas sees her, he pleads with her to forgive him as he did not think or know that his leaving would affect her so. In the end, neither Aeneas nor Dido know that the reason Dido’s love for Aeneas burned so bright and so deep was because it was influenced by Juno and Venus' manipulative ways.

Journal: The Odyssey

I had a literature class. We had to journal what we were reading:

Many themes circulate throughout Homer’s epic poems The Iliad and The Odyssey. We see gods and goddesses cast judgment upon mortals, while holding themselves unaccountable for similar transpirings. We see honor, bravery, vengeance, and grudges held for many years; heroes made from fair dealings and honorable ways of living. However, one of the main ideas threaded throughout both epics, The Iliad and The Odyssey, is the treatment of the traveler and the hospitality received from peoples formerly unknown to them.

In The Odyssey it is through our hero, Odysseus, and the treatment he receives while on his 20-year wander that we see some of the ways and manners of the people at that time. Starting with Odysseus’ stay with the immortal sea nymph Kalypso, who upon finding Odysseus on her shore proceeds to care for him as in the manner of a god; bathing him, feeding, him, caring for him, everything short of sending him home. Once it is decided that home is where Odysseus is bound, however, Kalypso provides Odysseus with all the tools, victuals, and clothing to make the journey in as much comfort as possible. Other incidents involve the goddess Athena, who never appears to mortals in her own countenance, but takes on different guises to travel into various towns. In each of these towns, the people treat her as a ‘friend,’ feed her, provide a fire to warm her, provide whatever she may require, and upon her departure offer a gift as well. That is how the customs were in those days; treat everyone as you would a friend for you may never tell when an immortal may be ‘testing’ you, and grave things befell those who spurned a god or goddess.

The incident that singularly stands out in The Odyssey is on Odysseus’ final leg home he is found upon an unknown shore, and ‘happens’ to meet the princess (with a little help from Goddess Athena) who feeds, bathes, and clothes Odysseus before helping him back to her mansion to consult with her father and mother, the king and queen. After the advice from Princess Nausikaa and Goddess Athena, Odysseus enters the banquet hall and sits down “amid the ashes” of the hearth. This action is explained by “the suppliant who sits there is, so to speak, on consecrated ground and cannot be forcibly removed.”[1] After hearing Odysseus’ plea, the king and queen invite Odysseus to join their feast that evening, have him spend the night in their home, have another feast in his honor in the morning, pentathlon games – all without ever knowing Odysseus’ name! This is a fine example of how strangers were treated in those times.

[1] Homer. "The Odyssey." The Norton Anthology Expanded Ed. Mack et al. New York: Norton, 1995. Footnote 3, p.289